Arianna Georgi

How do you make the world’s greatest movie trailer?

Ultimate fighters: If you are looking to take your movie trailer to the next level, I highly recommend adding Ultimate Fighters. It does not matter if they can’t act, look borderline mentally challenged, and it’s completely unbelievable that they could teach someone physics; they are awesome. In fact all of those things just mean the audience will spend the entire trailer trying to decide if it was a joke or not! #airofmystery!

Current events: Years from now, when we show Warrior to our children, it will be not just because it is entertaining and has ultimate fights, but because it will hold up as an amazing document of our lives in the year 2011. There was a war going on. People had issues with their mortgages. Cameron from House was super young. Ultimate Fighters walked like gods among men, and EVERYONE wore TapOut clothing.

Family drama: A good movie trailer should have liberal doses of family drama. Don’t be scared to throw in a husband and wife screaming cliches at each other. How about a dad, who was never there for his son but wants to train him to fight now? How about that dad is played by Nick Nolte? And how about the TWIST…

Crazy twists: The two men fighting… ARE BROTHERS. In this trailer, not only do you pretty much get to watch the entire movie in 2 minutes and 31 seconds, you also get the big twist revealed- the brothers have to fight each other at the climax. I am not sure I would call that “impossible,” but it should ensure the movie is filled with plenty of tension.

I could go on and on about what makes this trailer so awesome. Music that lets you KNOW something inspirational is happening, amazing lines like “I used to be one of those animals,” scenes of people training to fight and running by train tracks and hobo-style trash can fires and stuff (which are always awesome). Since I saw this in the trailer I have probably watched it about 15 times.  It is the the greatest movie trailer I have ever seen this last week and when Warrior opens, I plan to be there, in my finest TapouT wifebeater to celebrate.

Tags: Movies

I’ve read Little Women pretty much every year since I was ten.  I love that book, and I love almost every version of the movie (the best being the 1949 one and the worst being the one with Katharine Hepburn because she is too old and pretty to be Jo).  I love how disgustingly good the whole March family is, giving their meager Christmas breakfast away after a few seconds of debate (I wouldn’t be so good- real butter?  F-that).  I love how superficial Amy is and the part where Jo cuts her hair.  I’m not so nuts about Beth, but I still cry when she dies (SPOILER ALERT).  The book is comfort food to me and every time I read it I am delighted in spite of knowing every plot turn.

Well, mostly delighted… there is one thing I just have a hard time getting past.  Every single time, I go into Little Women praying the relationship between Jo and Laurie will end up differently and she’ll choose him.  It makes no sense to me that she doesn’t.  He’s handsome, he rich, he thinks her creativity is awesome and he acts in her stupid attic plays.  He loves her for exactly who she is, but doesn’t she return the favor.  For whatever reason, Jo ends up running off to New York and getting married to an old guy with a whole litter of kids who acts all snobby about the fact that she writes ridiculous soap opera short stories.   Bad call.

This is not the only book or movie that irks me in this way.  When I was younger I used to wonder why the clever reporter couldn’t just choose the bad guy in whatever super hero movie I was watching.  Sure, he wants to destroy the earth or blow up the moon, but he also has an awesome evil lair, and he’s totally into you.  Do you really want to date a super hero anyway?  Not only do you have to spend all your time being good, but other women would hit on him constantly.

And consider the case of Reality Bites, one of the defining movies (and soundtracks), of my teenage years.  Why would you turn down handsome, successful Ben Stiller to be with sulky, “deep,” Ethan Hawke?  Ben Stiller wants to buy Laney things, take her to nice dinners, and make her silly documentary into a movie.  Ethan Hawke wants to get high and sings the Violent Femmes.  He makes fun of her dress.  He’s a jerk.

Tucked into all of this is the idea that these guys are better because they see our heroine for who she really is.  Laurie loves Jo, but he doesn’t push her to become the writer should go be.  Ben Stiller loves Laney, but he edits her movies into MTV style visual junk food.  I get it, but I’m not entirely convinced these other guys are so great either.  The Professor has never even met Jo’s family and that’s a pretty crucial part of who she is.  Ethan Hawke has sex with Laney and then freaks out (but later he wears a suit which presumably means he has grown up and won’t do that anymore).  Why can’t they just end up with the guy that loves them without all the work?  Why does Winona Ryder make such terrible choices in movies?

I will never stop rooting for Laurie and I’ll never stop being grossed out when Jo hooks up with the old guy.  As for Ben Stiller, if Laney doesn’t want him I am more than happy to take him for myself.

Tags: Movies, TV

So I finally watched The Notebook, a movie I have had on my list for the last five years or so, mainly because it is constantly on Top 100 lists:

• Top 100 Chick Flicks
• Top 100 Movies to Make You Cry
• Top 100 Movies with an Office Supply in the Title
• Top 100 movies with Unrealistic Male Characters Women Compare Their Boyfriend To. 

Anyway, I have been wanting a good cry, and it seems unanimous that this is like the saddest movie of all time, and it was on demand, so I watched it.

My review in two words:  It sucks.  Here’s why:

1.  The dude is pretty much a creepy stalker

I know it’s supposed to be romantic, but in the first thirty minutes the guy:

• Stares creepily at the girl while she rides a merry-go-round
• Threatens to kill himself if the girl won’t go out with him
• Makes the girl lie down in the middle of the road in front of oncoming traffic

I am not a very romantic person myself, but I am pretty sure these things are huge red flags and not at all romantic.

2.  The Sex Scene SUCKS

You know what was sexy?  That time we had sex in a gross abandoned house and we just stared at each other and then took off our clothes with zero foreplay.  Oh, wait, that wasn’t sexy, that was just the sex scene in The Notebook.

3.  The actual notebook is not around that much and the guy should just buy a computer already

Enough said.

4.  And most importantly…The movie is NOT sad

Once upon a time two people feel madly in love with each other and then got married and lived together for like 30 years.  Seriously.  The only adversity they faced was super hot James Marsden and he was totally nice about the whole thing.  Boo-hoo.  Get over it people.

Anyway, I was utterly disappointed by how NOT SAD this movie was and I am now mad at every one of you who told me it was good.  Next time I want to cry I will watch Armageddon.

Tags: disappointment, Movies, The Notebook

 I recently saw Tropic Thunder in the theatre and before it, I had the pleasure of seeing a trailer for a movie called Proud American.  The trailer was very confusing to me, as Tropic Thunder already had a series of fake and ridiculously over the top previews before it and it was very hard to tell if this ridiculously over the top preview was real or not.  When it started I began looking around at people next to me with a shocked, “is this really happening?” type gaze.  Anyway, it is real.  Very, very real.

Ladies and gentlemen, MasterCard, Coca-Cola, Wal-Mart present Proud American, a film by Fred Ashman who, according to the IMDB has pretty much only made… Proud American:

When this preview started, I initially thought it was a join the Marines commercial.  “Ah, they god rid of that guy climbing a mountain and fighting a digital dragon,” I thought.  “That’s nice.”  I quickly realized however that this was a trailer (although fake or real I still couldn’t tell) mainly because some with a deep voice starting saying things like “A kid from one of the toughest neighborhoods in the world, faces tought choices.”   On one hand the deep voiced narration and glossy overall feel made it seem like someone spent a fair amount of money on the whole thing, on the other, it seemed so over the top…with shots of the grand canyon intermixed with footage of pretty much every war memorial that exist, as well as a bunch of sailors.  Then the dialogue started and confused me even more. 

By far, the best part of this trailer is when Ruthie from 7th Heaven tells the poor immigrant girl she can’t sit at their table in the lunch room and then says “don’t you have a boat to catch” one of the worst and greatest “burns” I have ever heard.  The girl looks like she’s about 30, and I feel sort of sad for Ruthie.  I mean, is this really the only work she could get after 7th Heaven?  At least Jessica Biel is dating Justin Timberlake, which I would consider a fulltime job.

I also like the part where the paralyzed Navy Seal is inspired to participate in a marathon by some guy who comes in his hospital room, waves a medal in his face, and says “this is to remind you of who you are!”  I wonder how often this happens in actual hospital situations.  Like when I was a freshman JV basketball player (the only time in my life I was ever a basketball player) I won “Most Improved Player.”  Where I to ever be in a hospital, wanting to give up, I wonder if my mom would run in waving the certificate in the air and yelling that I should remember who I am. 

According to Walmart and Coca-Cola, this is what America is all about.  People in the most clichéd possible situations… I mean uh, “some of the most touching human moments ever presented on the giant screen” (according to the official site). 

 I plan on buying a Proud American coffee mug to show my support.

Tags: , Movies, Proud American