Arianna Georgi

A recent assignment for my Promotional Copywriting class challenged me to pick an object on my desk (non-electronic) and write about for two pages. The idea was that we would be able to come up with some interesting copy, even about something really mundane, if we just kept writing.  I choose my Envelope Moistener.  I use constantly and it is probably my most beloved desk top item but it still was quite a challenge to write about for two whole pages.  After getting past the basics, (it’s blue, it seals envelopes), I found myself rambling on and on about my desk in general, and how everyone always wants to borrow it from me and I really, really hate sharing, and how bad glue tastes and then whether I should even be consuming massive amounts of glue.  I vowed that after the assignment I would google “envelope glue” and see what the general consensus was.

Wow.  Be prepared if you google “envelope glue” because it is hotly debated topic.  People on the web argue back and forth about whether it contains bug eggs (no), where the best recipe for making your own can be found, and whether or not it is gluten-free.  There also are several sites that involve girls freaking out about the possibility of the glue having a high calorie count and therefore secretly ruining their diets (if you are worried about calories from envelope glue an intervention is probably in order). 

A lot of sites are also devoted to the urban legend about a woman licking an envelope that has roach eggs in the glue and then having a live roach hatch out of her tongue.  A shocking number of people think this is completely medically possible and have devoted their sites to dire warnings and statements like “THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE.  PLEASE PASS THIS ON.”  To me, it sounds like something you would make up around a campfire, but whatever.

Anyway, the point of all this is that the internet continues to shock and astound me.  Google envelope glue and you get everything from hysterical warnings, to songs names after it (http://www.humblevoice.com/profile/components/word_gallery/word.php?iid=2982).  I would say that all it proves is that the majority of people in this country have way too much time on their hands, but it wouldn’t really be fair.  After all, here I am writing about envelope glue too. 

Tags: licking envelopes, Work

 In case you don’t pay attention to these things (or check cnn.com compulsively like some people I know), we had an earthquake here in Southern California on Tuesday.  For some reason, I seem to have been the only person in my entire building (and probably the Southern California area) that didn’t notice either because I was standing up rummaging through the refrigerator for my lunch, or because I frequently drink a little too much wine at night and stumble around my house so the shaking world didn’t really seem that out of place. 

Either way, it occurred to me afterwards that there is a very specific way people react when there has been a minor earthquake (aka an earthquake just big enough to shake them around, but not bad enough to actually scare anyone).  I’m not talking about “Earthquake Preparedness” like the videos you sometimes have to watch in grade school, but rather the way in which everyone in my entire building and who I saw for the rest of the day seemed to react.  If you are a robot pretending to be a human living among us, or someone like me that had no reaction whatsoever, this guide is for you:

1. Run out of your office and say something about the earthquake. “Whoa, was that an earthquake?” will do, but you could also use “wow, did anyone else feel that?” or “that was crazy!”

2. Wait in the hall for other people to also run out of their offices so that you can compare notes with them on the exact moment you first heard the earthquake and what exactly you thought it was.

“Well, I was sitting at my desk working on these TCP reports and I was thinking about lunch and then I thought someone had slammed the door, but it was the earthquake!” 

“Really?  I was sitting at my desk, talking to a customer and then I thought that someone was rolling something heavy down the hall, but it turned out to be the earthquake.”

3. Relate any past story you have that is even vaguely related to an earthquake in excruciating detail. For instance if you once had a cousin that heard about a friend that was involved in a major earthquake, this is the time to tell everyone.

4. Go back to your desk and call/email a few people you know to confirm that they too experienced the earthquake. Make sure to let them know exactly what you were doing when you felt it and what you thought it was. Also, relate any past earthquake related stories.

5. Get online to read the news and confirm that yes, indeed, it was an earthquake and not just a mass hallucination.

6. For the rest of the day when anyone new stops by, returns to the office, or generally just comes within 50 feet of you ask them about their earthquake experience. Relate your own.

Now, I have to admit, half the reason for this post is jealousy.  This earthquake is one of the more exciting things that has happened thus far at my work and there was a sort of snow day kind of feeling around the office while everyone gathered to review notes that I was completely left out of.  I tried to chime in (step 3) with my own pathetic story of how there was an earthquake when I lived in Maryland and was still a baby but compared to everyone else’s awesome earthquake experiences it was pretty lame.  I can’t help feeling like I missed out on something, some sort of shared bonding experience with everyone else.  I will forever be known as the girl that “didn’t feel the earthquake” and when we all have work functions and discuss that time we had an earthquake I will be painfully excluded.  My only hope is for another, even more interesting earthquake to occur.  When it does, hopefully I will notice it happening but even if I don’t I plan to fake it.

Work, work, work! Lately it’s all I seem to be blogging about… But I am also blogging AT work, which is why I am posting this up here in an attempt at shameless self-promotion. My company is now selling things through a site called CoTradeCo which in addition to carrying products, is also a very interesting attempt to create an online community that is sort of a mix between myspace, amazon, and wikipedia. Anyway, I will be posting on it about our products as UK Case Lady. I would be interested to hear what people think of the site, and if any of you 5 people that read this want to sign up and write notes with me while I am at work, that would be awesome.

(I work at a company that manufactures flashlights.  The lights are used by everyone from firemen and scuba divers, to the very general category of “outdoorsmen.”   We make the lights in house and then sell them to an astounding variety of markets all around the US.  An unexpected bonus of this is that we get a wide variety of free trade magazines at my work.  These magazines range from ones concerning Scuba Diving and hunting to those directed at out Mechanical Engineers and designers.  Since I sort of the mail, I get first dibs on all of the magazines that come in through the door, including some that I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams.   And since I am lucky enough to get to see magazines like “Microwave Product Digest” and you, (most likely), are not, I have decided to post magazine reviews on occasional Wednesdays, starting with this one).

AGeorgi’s Review of the May Issue of Plant Engineering Magazine!

Right off the bat, the cover of Plant Engineering let’s you know that it is not just a magazine about Plant Engineering, but so much more.  Check out the cover: 

This cover says to me, Plant Engineering is sexy.  It’s fun.  The title “Energy Audit Benefits” over what appear to be the beginning of a softcore porn movie should clue you into that (Seriously though, doesn’t this lady here look like she is just about ready to undo her bun, take off her glasses and suggest something inappropriate?).  Also inside, right in the beginng is a fun poll “What’s the relationship between product and production engineering?”  Now the magazines I normally read also have polls, but they are normally along the line of “Have you ever lied to a boyfriend about how many people you’ve slept with?”  This poll seems good too and the majority of people taking the poll (my guess is three) answered “A close working relationship” which is nice.  

From then on out, Plant Engineering kicks it into high geat with insightful articles such as “Advancements in modern VFDs” and “Selecting a Sigle Point Lubricator” which urges you to ask yourself such important questions as “Are blown bearing seals a concern?” and “Is price a deterring factor in lubricator selection?”

But probably the best thing about Plant Engineering is the wonderful ads, ads made by people with very small budgets and thought up by the same people responsible for desgining incredibly scienticfic techonology.  As a result, you get something like this:

 Although I do a lot of other things at my work (lots of copywriting, proofreading (I know, funny, right?), general sales support stuff, and lots of listening to books on tape on my I-Pod) it’s not enough for me, so I also answer the phones and sort mail (because I choose to, damnit!).  This, I guess technically means I am the receptionist.  This is probably why I was the recipient of a very special brochure that came in mail today entitled “The Exception Receptionist.”

Is being a receptionist like really, really hard?  Could you really use some help figuring out how to answer phones?  How about sorting the mail or speaking to people that enter the office out loud?  If so, this class if for you!  The brochure encourages you to ask yourself, HAVE YOU EVER: Had trouble keeping your desk area tidy and organized amidst your busy day?

YES!  Between the craziness of answering phones and placing Staples orders I just let the used Kleenexes, take-out food boxes, and empty printer cartridges pile up!  In fact, I can’t even really see my monitor anymore so I am probably missing out on some pretty important forwards about how Bill Gates wants to give me a million dollars and Target supports terrorism!

Been unsure about how to deal with rude or pushy people?

YES!  When people are rude to me, I totally don’t know how to deal with it.  Normally I just hide beneath my desk and cower, but my boss recently spoke to me about this so I should probably learn.

Wondered how you would handle a dangerous security threat?

YES!  Often at work, I have extended fantasies about my office have a dangerous security threat.  I also worry about security threats occurring in my car, at Vons and on my back porch.  I wish there were classes to help me deal with those.

Anyway, the class has a lot of thing to recommend it.  As if writing a list that speaks strongly to my own, personal thoughts and concerns wasn’t enough, the Seminar Agenda has even more valuable information to give.  I can learn “Common Mistakes Receptionists make that scream, “Unprofessional!” or “Quick stress-busting exercises you can do at your desk without being noticed.”  Somehow I feel like these two would negate each other.  For instance, if I am sitting at my desk doing stress-busting exercises like the kind I do at home (i.e. punching my pillow repeatedly while muttering “you don’t talk to me that way!”) it might look sort of unprofessional.  On the other hand they said these techniques would keep me from getting noticed so maybe it’s tips on how to punch the pillow UNDER my desk.

I was already sold and convinced that my work should pay a few hundred dollars to send me to the Holiday Inn downtown to learn “Calming phrases to use with angry or complaining visitors” but the brochure also has testimonials if you aren’t.  They include such rave reviews as “this seminar…kept me interested throughout.”  Wow!  You mean you were able to focus your attention for half a day?  What an accomplishment!  Another comment states that “I feel empowered!”  That’s pretty impressive too.  That woman is probably all empowered and ready to go out there and practice “the fine art of saying “no” without causing offense or feeling guilty” in the office and in her boyfriend’s apartment!

I know where I will be August 1st!