Arianna Georgi

Glee is my least favorite show I watch regularly on TV (except for Squawk on the Street- but that is my boyfriend’s fault).  After achieving it’s dream of terrifying conservatives and making everyone sing Don’t Stop Believing pretty much non-stop in the first season, Glee did not really have anywhere to go but down.

Since then it has become one of the weirdest, least even-toned shows on TV, where one week a major character might be dealing with the complexity of teenage depression, and the next it’s all hands on deck to win the county bake-off!

And it is about to get even weirder, since this season most of the characters are graduating the creator has said that he will allow them to move on to other things, and maybe even replace them with other people.

But it sure doesn’t seem that way.  In the most recent episode, there was a car crash, an attempted suicide, and maybe a marriage.  I am starting to doubt these kids are going to make it out of McKinnley alive.  So instead of just waiting for Ryan Murphy to kill them off one by one, I would like propose some solutions for the kids that would keep them singing, and mean Rachel and Finn never have to leave.

One:  Zombies

A zombie apocalypse leaves New Directions unharmed, but trapped in McKinnely high school for all eternity due to the hordes of walking dead right outside the door.

Pluses: potential for a zombie, Mercedes, Sam love triangle

Minuses:  In the post-apocalyptic word there are no new Katy Perry songs, so they will have nothing to sing (or maybe, just maybe, there are LOTS of Katy Perry songs…)

Two:  The Peter Pan Ending

The show decides, Simpson’s style, to just keep everyone the same age and pretend it is senior year every year.  Since the show already seems to pick, emphasize and completely abandon various plot points or character features at random, so things like Rachel and Finn getting married can be easily brushed aside

Pluses:  the actors already all look like they are 30 year olds.  How much worse could it get?

Minuses:  The fifth time we watch Brittany and Artie hook-up is going to be annoying

Three:  Glee in Space

At a special commission from President Obama, the entire Glee club and for some reason Sue Sylvester head to the moon to bring some cheer to stranded Soviet cosmonauts.

Plus:  A love triangle between Blaine, Kurt and an alien, plenty of moon-related song material, we get to hear Kurt do a rendition of Space Oddity.

Negative:  Lack of oxygen takes a heavy toll on Mercedes’ powerful singing voice

Four:  It Was All a Dream

It turns out the entire first three seasons of Glee were a dream Will Shuster was having.  He wakes up, but then dozes off again and it all starts over

Pluses:  Given the ridiculous things that happen on this show, it would make a lot of sense

Minuses:  I am not sure I want to know what Will Shuster dreams

Glee writers- feel free to use any of these!  I won’t even charge!

Tags: Glee, television

We threw Nathan a b-day party with our favorite things.  It’s Always Sunny Season Premiere, Scotch, Meatballs, Beer.  Here’s how you too can have this much fun…

Step 1.  Evite:

Step 2:  The Details:

“Your finest Jelly Beans… Raw”

“Pears weird me out. Where do you start? The top? The bottom? It’s a weird looking thing”

Step 3:  Are you taking me to a spaghetti day?

“What’s your spaghetti policy?”

Step 4: Urinal Cakes

“I happen to think this bathroom is pristine because I work very hard cleaning it. In fact it’s so clean, I would say you could eat out of these urinals.”

Step 5:

Happy People

Tags: evite, It's Always Sunny, jelly beans, meatballs, pears, urine cakes, ziplocs

Wednesday has Hellcats going for it, but Tuesday has its own brand of magic in the form of a show called Millionaire Matchmaker and Patti Stanger.   The premise of Millionaire Matchmaker is simple.   Guys with a lot of money have a really hard time finding attractive women to date them (FACT), and will shell out big bucks to have a super bossy woman in a sequined shirt yell at them.   What makes Patti so qualified to yell at them (and wear sequins)?   The credits inform us that she is a third generation matchmaker, with a “very high success rate.”  I am not sure what either of these things mean, but the dating successes must occur NOT on TV since no one on this show every seems to like each other (that would not be as exciting for the viewers at home!)

On each episode of Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti starts by having her loyal assistants present her with the videos of the two millionaires.  Most of the time these are guys, but sometimes they are women (to which Patti hisses “I hate millionaireresses”).  Sometimes they are gay (In this case Patti screams “I love the gays!).  Although this is her job, Patti is generally highly annoyed the videos.  She rolls her eyes and makes rude comments.  She picks one character trait for each person and then harps relentlessly on it (he has a Peter Pan Complex!)  Patti then sums up by saying that although Lance seems like he’s only into 20 year old strippers, she’ll try to help him because she believes everyone deserves love.

From there, we get to watch Patti audition dates and matchmake.  In the new season, the show has (wisely), relegated the actual dates to the last ten minutes or so, which gives us more time to watch Patti insult line-ups of potential dates and make comments involving the word “penis.”  (In fact, I have gotten very drunk several times playing a drinking game where I do a shot every time she says this.  I really don’t think there is a single episode where Patti does not mention pensises.  It’s all part of the charm!)

Today, I finally got around to watching the episode of Millionaire Matchmaker from last Tuesday.  It was pretty much exactly like the above description.  Patti instantly picked things about the two millionaires she could mention over and over.  For Jordan, a 31 year old very short man, Patti diagnosed ADD.

(You can also play a drinking game where you drink every time Patti says the phrase associated with her snap judgment.   ADD was probably mentioned about 30 times in this particular episode.)

Leah, the other millionaire, had “masculine energy.”  Masculine energy was summed up as follows:  if a man is opening a jar and can’t handle it, you may ask him if he needs to help.  If he then asks for your help, you can touch the jar.  You are not allowed to grab the jar from him and open it yourself.  This is masculine energy.

(Nothing was mentioned about what my theoretical reaction would be: getting bored watching someone opening a jar and going into the other room to read).

Leah and Jordan were diagnosed by a body language expert, did some speed dating in a weird bar pretending to be a carnival, and were described repeatedly as masculine and ADD.

I need to go finish cooking dinner but I will just sum up by stating that if all of this has not completely convinced you that you should watch Millionaire Matchmaker or maybe go on it as a contestant, then I am not sure what to say.  Like most good TV it’s ridiculous, pointless, and sort of insulting to me as a woman.  It has earned a weekly spot on the DVR.

Tags: ADD, DVR, Masculine Energy, Millionaire Matchmaker, TV

Reasons:
1. They have horrible screaming fights like every day. It seriously sounds like Jerry Springer.
2. They watch sports at high volume all day on weekend.
3. They sweep their cat litter and hair onto my porch.
4. They have terrible taste in TV. During the weekdays they watch sitcoms I would never watch. I watch a lot of TV, but even I am snobby sometimes.
To be honest, at this point I have created an elaborate back-story for my neighbors that makes me hate them even more. She is a nurse at a local hospital- one who is rude to patients and won’t give anyone extra apple juice. I have decided this mainly because she appears to work strange hours.
He is getting his Masters in pharmacology and does a lot of online gaming. I know this is half true.
Anyway, this is sort of a cop-out entry to appease Analise, but I really do hate them.

Tags: making stuff up about people you don't know, neighbors, Stupid TV

When I was in college I didn’t buy my cigarettes at the corner deli.  I regularly went to the corner deli for toilet paper, beer, pints of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream, and stale fried rice at 3 in the morning; but not cigarettes.  Why was this?  Because I couldn’t stand the thought of the sweet looking man who at the counter and his awkward 13-year old mustached son knowing I smoked.  I smoked two packs a day and New York is very cold in the winter, but still I made the trek to the “other deli” the one that smelled like onions and was manned by a very unfriendly woman who wouldn’t make eye contact.  I just couldn’t deal with the idea of the man and his son, at home, saying things like “she looked so sweet” or “who knew” (probably not in English, but you get the idea). 

I don’t smoke anymore, but I am still consistently shocked by the lengths I go to just to prove to strangers, (who could probably care less), that I have a strong moral character and don’t suck.  At the gym, I often force myself to watch CNN.   The gym TVs have cable and there is a full range of Kardashian and Jersey Shore-related TV to tempt me, but I can’t stand the thought that other gyms goers would know  I watch that stuff. 

“Look at her,” they would think haughtily while they watch KPBS, “rotting her mind with reality TV!” 

A similar thing occurs at the doctor’s office, where although I would love to read about the latest Teen Mom crisis in US Weekly, I read National Geographic. 

“Look at her!”  I imagine the doctor saying to the nurses, “a young woman reading National Geographic!  What uncommon class!”

The list goes on and on.  I don’t buy beer at the pharmacy when I pick up my (very routine) prescription (because the pharmacist would judge), I have a hard time reading the junk chick-lit novels I want on planes (because people would assume that’s what I always read), I force myself to order the more adventurous dish over the typical one (because I’m that kind of girl).  I strive to impress people who probably don’t even give me a second glance.  And what does it get me?  An hour of bored elliptical machine, ignorance about the lives of teen moms, and no beer!  Not to mention walks through the snow and rain…. 

Anyway, my New Year’s Resolution this year (yes, it is only November, I’m a planner, I plan a few months ahead) is to stop over-thinking.  Not just this, but work, friends, and everything.  I’m going to relax and go with it.  And if the guy next to me on the plan thinks I am ditz because I have the latest Twightlight novel, I guess that’s just how it goes.