…well apart from finding a website that tells me how to tie my shoes…

My cousin Laura, who is taking a Media Design class, got the okay to use one of my poems for a design project she has to do.  The poem, (My Wedding) is one of my favorites (that I wrote (how conceited is that)) and I am pretty excited about it.  Anyway, according to her “It’s basically supposed to be a lot of still photographs with music and voice-over of the poem.”  I thought I would stick the poem up here.  I’m also planning on including it in the chapbook Hannah is helping me put together…

My Wedding

If an ancient mariner

showed up at my wedding

I would be pissed, unless

he brought a very expensive

gift, like a nice china set or some crystal,

and then I would be

a little annoyed, but I would

let him stay.

Then he would probably end up getting

too drunk (I’ve heard mariners are rowdy)

and leading the Congo line right into a wall

Or else trying to put the moves on

my mother who would also

be too drunk and would

only encourage him

Maybe he would be one of those weepy drunks

and start whining about that damn albatross

to anyone that would listen and

everyone would be like,

“whoa that ancient mariner needs to be

cut off”

Anyway, it wouldn’t ruin my

wedding, it would only

be one of those things my husband and I

would joke about on the plane to our honeymoon in

Russia, and my friends

would joke about at the

scrabble parties we would host

in the years to come

 ”Oh remember that

ancient mariner,” we’d say over a glass of wine, “and how he showed up

at the wedding and wouldn’t stop

talking?”

And I’d say, “boy, he really smelled bad,

but I guess being at sea on a ship full of dead people

and wearing a dead bird around your neck

can really do that to you” and everyone would

laugh and say, “oh, you’re so terrible”

meaning funny,

and then I would put down the

word “zygotes” and win the game

But really this is all

one big “what if” because

what are the chances of

an ancient mariner

showing up at my wedding

anyway?

Tags: ancient Mariners, poems, self-promotion, weddings

In certain kinds of TV Shows
there often comes a part
where the eager rookie, or spunky female cop,
or jaded, hardened veteran who swears this is his last case,
goes to talk
with someone
who wears glasses
and uses words like “database”
and looks very smart
and sits in front of a computer
and types a few things
and makes a statement
that causes me to pause every time,

“this guy is a ghost!”
they say,
and I know what they mean,
and even if I didn’t,
the smart looking person would go on to explain
“no license, no fingerprints, no record, etc.
it’s like you are chasing a ghost!”
And he does not mean a real ghost,
but it makes me think all the same,

that if I was a ghost I probably would commit crimes
having returned from the dead
to find there is no afterlife
or grand reason to be good,
just the same old world
but more transparent this time
with walls I could walk through
and children doing silly imitations of me
on Halloween.

I would think
that after wandering for a few weeks
doing typical ghost things
like spying my loved ones and
and appearing behind my enemies in mirrors to scare them
I probably would turn to a life of crime
because really
who would be able to stop me
and without fingerprints it would be easy
and anyway being a ghost would probably be
boring as hell

I would probably start small;
stealing candy bars from the drugstore
or old ladies’ handbags,
the kind of thing
I would never have done as a person
it would still be more interesting
than floating through the forest
startling hikers and squirrels
or slamming doors in old mansions
or anything else I could be doing

so I would move on to bigger things
and organize a crime ring
or drug empire
or whatever else it is the bad guy does
and run it
in the way only a ghost can
never showing up for meetings
and occasionally floating out to torment my associates
by moaning their names
if they got out of line

and after years and years
I would be rich enough to retire
and live the good life
on a yacht in Capri
and drink martinis all day
lying on the sundeck
only I’d be a ghost
and the life (good or not)
would have already been lived
and the martinis would dribble to the floor
and I wouldn’t be able to get a tan
so there would just be this
the floating around,
the moaning,
the organizing a crime empire,
and whatever else

and when the spunky female cop
or rookie,
or jaded veteran, showed up at my door
I would want to let them in
but the doorknob would slip through my ghost fingers
and they would burst down the door
to an empty room
and swear

while I stood in the corner wishing
they would handcuff me, or shoot at me
or anything else
to prove I am there.

Tags: Ghosts, poems

In case anyone was curious… 

What I want in a man
 
I am not asking much really
a brain, a heart,
a liver.
Also, it may not be political correct
but between you and I
eyes, ears and nose
would be nice too.
 
I think you are also supposed to say that you would
like a sense of humor,
someone good with children
and close, but not too close, with their mom.
 
To be totally honest,
those things don’t matter too much to me
What is far more important,
is character.
 
For example,
I want a man
who will know what to do
in the event of a zombie uprising,
and when it started
he would grab a sawed off shotgun
and board up the doors.
I am sure I would be crouched under the table
or running up the stairs
or some other
equally bad idea
but my ideal man would stop me
and tell me
“we’re going to get through this
we just need to make it through the night!”
and then he would fire a shot over my shoulder
and kill a zombie I hadn’t even seen coming
and I would believe him
and it would be great. 
 
Or if we were on the Titanic
I would like the kind of man
who would demand we just cut our own lifeboat loose
and go
because I would be sitting on the deck
with the rest of the people waiting
and listening to the band play
while the ship went down.
 
It might be nice to have a mild mannered man
with a boring day job
who in the event of a crisis involving the world’s
computer systems
becomes an unlikely hero
and punches people
unbelievably well
and leads me to safety and says things like
“Man, I never should have gotten out of bed this morning”
Nice, except for the part about him being
mild-mannered to begin with.
 
In the event that I go
to a secluded cabin with some friends
and there is a serial killer on the lose
I want a man who will make it to the end.
 
I would be the girl saying how scared she was
and insisting that we all head home
right off the bat
while everyone else is drinking beers
and making out in the woods
 
and when all of our friends have been dispatched of
and we just barely manage to get the car started
and the killer run over
I want a man with the good sense to check
and make sure he is really dead
 
I guess the thing is
I am not very good in emergency situations
and I really wouldn’t fare well
in the event of a zombie uprising
or the end of the world
 
if we are going to talk about
what we want in men
why shouldn’t I list it all
why shouldn’t I start with
a brain
and end
by saying,
in a perfect world,
I want a man

that always knows the code
to deactivate
the nuclear bomb