Oct 31 2008
So I am still trying to decide if I want to wear my costume to work since (even though there is a costume contest) everyone seems to think they are too cool to get dressed up, but I thought I would go ahead and put some photos up. Here it is, the ghost of my own futre, my crazy cat lady costume!
Please note the cat lady shoes:
Awesome cat lady pins:
ENJOY!
Oct 28 2008
Sometimes I feel like there is a giant anti-feminist conspiracy to make women look like idiots by simply taking the most idiotic women possible and the presenting them as representatives for us all on TV or magazine covers. I would like to point to Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, The Hills, and pretty much any other show on MTV as evidence. If there are aliens somewhere in space receiving our radio signals and desperately trying to decipher our culture, I am pretty sure that between these shows and Sarah Palin they are going to come to the conclusion that the majority of human females either spend most of their time in jacuzzis throwing drinks on each other and fighting over washed up rap/rock stars or mispronouncing the word nuclear and winking. When they show up they may be shocked to discover some of do not have fake breasts and are able to name multiple national newspapers.If this is the case, The Lingerie Football League is doing a really great job, as is this piece/video art project I stumbled across on San Diego’s Union Tribune site:
http://www.video.signonsandiego.com/vmix_hosted_apps/p/media?id=2310748&item_index=1&all=1&sort=NULL
Let’s ignore the obviously things that are wrong with this video, like the fact that trying out for the lingerie football league involves no actual football experience, the fact that one girl has no idea who a linebacker is and has never really watched football, and the creepy casting couch style comments of the lingerie football league’s founder. Instead I would like to present as evidence to support my theory the girl who says her training involved “eating rice crackers” and definitely not drinking water (because water and sports absolutely DO NOT mix). I would also like to note the girl who states that “the bigger the silicon is” the “better off they are.” This video makes me incredibly sad (and not just because I don’t personally think I could make the lingerie team).
Oct 24 2008
Some mornings Tanya and I get ourselves out of bed extra early to get in some bike riding before work. We have a set 11 mile loop we do and almost every time we do it we joke about riding past what we refer to as the “haunted field.” Basically along our route there’s a certain field we pass by that always happens to be about 15 degrees cooler than everywhere else. I’ve been running by it for the past 4 years I’ve lived in my neighborhood and it has always been like this. I used to think I was nuts until I rode by it with Tanya and she commented on the exact same thing. Since in almost every ghost movie I’ve ever seen, the ghost is accompanied by super cold air, I can only deduce that this field is haunted (why do ghosts hang out in the cold anyway? And if they like the cold so much how come they don’t just all go and hang out in Antarctica?). Anyway yesterday when we rode by it was ridiculously cold. I mean, it was probably about 60 degrees along the rest of the route, but in this particular spot it felt like 30. No joke, it was so cold it hurt. There is probably some scientific reason for this, like that the field we ride next to is in the shade or has an air pocket or something, but I prefer to believe that ghosts are responsible because that makes it much more interesting and my life can be sort of boring and imagining there are ghosts around haunting fields I ride by on a regular basis livens it up somewhat. It was so cold that when I got home I was actually inspired to look online to see if there were any local ghost stories that could explain the whole thing.
What I found was a website entitled Ghosts of America. It had a whole two pages for the area I live in which got me very excited until I started actually read the postings. Anyone can enter ghost stories on Ghost of America, so what the site basically consists of is people going on it and making up the most ridiculous, and vague ghost stories I have ever heard. It starts out with this one:
A lady gripping her head beside her arm is frequently seen in Abolitos Park at night hauling a dead body over rocks. A number of of the people who live here allege this ghost is the stressed spirit of a long gone Poway local. Regardless of what, it’s a chilling spirit that you don’t want to run into before dawn.
Okay, that’s sort of scary. I don’t know why you would go to the local soccer park and run around dragging your head AND a dead body under your arm (that seems like a lot of stuff to drag), but I guess if you are stressed you might do this sort of thing. It does indeed sound sort of “chilling.”
But from here the site gets increasingly ridiculous:
The spirit of an airplane pilot became visible devouring a cookie at night on a sidewalk in Poway. Many reports of this ghost have been conveyed. Locals who have observed this ghost allege this ghost loves frightening foolhardy folks who come searching for ghosts in Poway.
This one doesn’t even make sense. Why would an airline pilot come haunt Poway, where there is no airplane field to speak of. Also, why is he eating a cookie. Maybe in life they never let him have any of the cookies in the first class section of the plane, but they smelled awesome so in death he goes around eating any cookies he can get his hands on. I think it’s the details here that make this really over the top. Apparent “many reports” of the cookie monster ghost have been reported, which makes me wonder how those particular conversations went down.
Person 1: Oh my God, last night I saw the scariest thing!
Person 2: Well if it was an airline pilot ghost eating a cookie you aren’t alone, everyone has seen that guy.
By page two, the ghost stories have devolved into pure crazy talk, like my favorite of all:
A headless man may often be observed at a coin operated phone in Poway making a telephone call.
Okay. If you have no head, how are you even planning on speaking into a payphone? Also, which coin operated phone is this? This story is pretty vague on the details but I am very curious about the ghostly motives going on here. If I ever come back as a headless ghost, my first order of business is going to be locating my head, not making payphone calls (unless they are to the guy that took my head- maybe that’s what’s going on…)
If you want to get vaguely scared, you should go to this page. I am going camping this weekend so I definitely plan on scaring everyone around the fire with the tale of the airplane pilot cookie monster ghost. I also plan on steering clear of local payphones, sidewalks, and soccer fields. No matter how ridiculous you think it is, some things just aren’t worth risking.
Oct 22 2008
I really shouldn’t be allowed to write a blog about pet psychics. I mean seriously, what else is there to say/make fun of/comment on the ridiculousness of? It is possible that every joke there is to be made about pet psychics has already been said, and if not, that dog whisperer guy, although he seems nice enough, is sort of a walking joke so he can cover the rest. Writing about Pet Psychic is like blogging about how annoying Sarah Palin is, or how funny that dramatic Prairie Dog video is. It has already been done… (but I am going to do it anyway).
The thing about pet psychics is that I thought they were only on TV, until the other day when I went to Pet People to get my cat some cat stuff. Pet People has a bulletin board and on were about 10 different fliers for pet psychics all promising things like “I will use pictures of your pet and speak to spirit guides to help you solve your behavioral problems” but also all with disclaimers like “I cannot guarantee your pet will stop destroying your shoes.” The number of local psychics was astounding again, when I came home and did an internet search. I found this UT article about pet psychics, where the woman (who insists on calling herself an animal communicator, because a psychic “sees the future” and a communicator “looks into the animal’s heart”) states that she communicates with animals through invisible airwaves. I also found a website of a local psychic who says that after a session “Your mutual understanding will be increased, as will your awareness of his or her (the pet’s) emotional and physical concerns.”
I really can’t say that I find animal communicators or pet psychics that bad. I think for the most part, most people spend far too little time thinking about the feelings of any animal, let alone their pets. If we start thinking of animals more as little beings with feelings than it could only be good for animals overall (that was my annoying animal rights moment, don’t worry I am done). But, that said, there is still something a little tiny bit silly about the whole thing. Or so I thought until I saw that the woman above charges 195 bucks for 90 minutes. 195! With the economy falling apart and unemployment up I think it might be worthwhile to peruse a career in animal communication. I don’t think there’s an actual school you go to, according to these bios you just have to practice with your animals a lot. I began practice last night, videotaping some of Charlie’s more mysterious behavior. Here’s what I have so far. If you like it, I will do my psychic readings for your poet for 185 dollars/90 minutes. How’s that for a deal???
Behavior One: Frantically Scratching The Scratching Post for About 5 Seconds and Then Becoming Completely Disinterested.
Psychic Comments: Charlie is trying to demonstrate his strength and power. In his last life, he was a Mongolian Warlord who destroyed villages so being a cat is kind of a blow to his ego. The frantic scratching and destruction of the cat toy should prove that he is still strong and terrifying to you. Reassure him, by praising his claws and telling him how awesome he is.
Behavior Two: Staring at his Cube Toys for About 5 Seconds and Then Becoming Completely Disinterested
Psychic Comments: In another past life, Charlie was a nomad. Theoretically, he is always seeking his “home.” The cubes are a false home for him and although he examines them carefully, hoping that he can finally end his travels, they are inferior. Buy him new cubes.
Behavior Three: Charlie stares at me for a few seconds… then leaves
Psychic Interpretation: Even the cat thinks you are an idiot.
Oct 21 2008
A recent assignment for my Promotional Copywriting class challenged me to pick an object on my desk (non-electronic) and write about for two pages. The idea was that we would be able to come up with some interesting copy, even about something really mundane, if we just kept writing. I choose my Envelope Moistener. I use constantly and it is probably my most beloved desk top item but it still was quite a challenge to write about for two whole pages. After getting past the basics, (it’s blue, it seals envelopes), I found myself rambling on and on about my desk in general, and how everyone always wants to borrow it from me and I really, really hate sharing, and how bad glue tastes and then whether I should even be consuming massive amounts of glue. I vowed that after the assignment I would google “envelope glue” and see what the general consensus was.
Wow. Be prepared if you google “envelope glue” because it is hotly debated topic. People on the web argue back and forth about whether it contains bug eggs (no), where the best recipe for making your own can be found, and whether or not it is gluten-free. There also are several sites that involve girls freaking out about the possibility of the glue having a high calorie count and therefore secretly ruining their diets (if you are worried about calories from envelope glue an intervention is probably in order).
A lot of sites are also devoted to the urban legend about a woman licking an envelope that has roach eggs in the glue and then having a live roach hatch out of her tongue. A shocking number of people think this is completely medically possible and have devoted their sites to dire warnings and statements like “THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE. PLEASE PASS THIS ON.” To me, it sounds like something you would make up around a campfire, but whatever.
Anyway, the point of all this is that the internet continues to shock and astound me. Google envelope glue and you get everything from hysterical warnings, to songs names after it (http://www.humblevoice.com/profile/components/word_gallery/word.php?iid=2982). I would say that all it proves is that the majority of people in this country have way too much time on their hands, but it wouldn’t really be fair. After all, here I am writing about envelope glue too.
I am awesome and I like zombies and that is all you need to know.
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